Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi and welcome to our podcast Revelation Within On the Go. I'm Heidi Biles-Maefferson, one of your hosts and the owner and lead coach of the RevelationWithinorg ministry.

Speaker 2: 0:14

And I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a Revelation Within coach and Heidi's partner in all things Revelation Within. We are so happy to invite you to join us for this episode of Revelation Within On the go.

Speaker 1: 0:36

Still having trouble with my voice. I start to get my voice out gritty and change octaves. All of a sudden, Anyway, well, we have something kind of fun. I think it's fun, but it's serious too that we want to talk about today. Christina, why don't you start us off, because you're the one that brought this into my life. Certainly, okay.

Speaker 2: 0:59

Well, for many, many years I struggled with being what a lot of people will call like a people pleaser and also being someone who wanted very much to love others well and wasn't doing it in a way that was life-giving for them and it was certainly draining for me, and so I have been learning over the last years how to do that better.

Speaker 2: 1:28

I want to be able to love others well and anyway, okay, so I'll explain. So I was getting some counsel from a dear friend a couple years ago, for you know, I think we met for probably a year and a half or two years, and this is one of the things that she shared with me, and I'm not exactly sure where she got it. Maybe some of you have heard this before, but it is so helpful. It's something I think about all the time. It has helped me to kind of reframe relationships, friendships, even with my husband and my kids, in a way that is life-giving and in a way that lines up with the word of God. So I just call it staying in your own front yard.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Yours is prettier.

Speaker 2: 2:22

Well, right now my front yard is covered in more than a foot of snow and it's snowing like crazy. But here's how it goes. Every person on this planet, every adult, has their own front yard, and basically I call it an emotional, spiritual front yard because for me, spiritual and emotional, it kind of all goes together. So you may have heard it as just emotional, but I like to add that spiritual in. So each one of us has our own. You might have a little walkway winding through the middle with rocks, or you might have a little grove of trees over to the right, or you might have a rose garden over here, or you might have, you know, sunflowers over here. You might have a little chair, two chairs and a table. You know, everybody kind of has their own way of doing it, and so it's really really important that it's what you love. Now there's other things, of course. Everybody has in their emotional, spiritual front yard. You might have a whole area that needs to be weeded and you might have a tree in the corner that's not looking so good, it needs to be taken down, or maybe those roses need to be pruned or whatever it is. So just know it's a constant work in progress, your emotional, spiritual front yard. So I used to think, I used to absolutely believe, that my husband and I shared a yard and that I shared a yard with my adult kids Nope and that I shared a yard with my best friends. I shared a yard, maybe, with my teen teacher at work, like I thought that it was normal and healthy to share a yard with other people. So this was really a huge aha for me to realize that I had my own and each person as an adult has their own. So it's a little different with kids. With kids, we are involved in their yard and they're involved in ours because they're not grown yet and we're teaching them, we're showing them everything. We've got the trowel, we've got the little plants, we've got the different things. We're helping them learn how to fertilize their own yard, and so we're, we're in there with them until they're grown.

Speaker 2: 4:47

This is a hard one for many of us who have kids that are grown, have just transitioned from child to adult, and it's like ah, I want to get in there and help you with your yard, and so it's tricky because we have our own, okay. So my tendency for many, many years was to jump the fence, leave my yard completely and go help someone else with the dumpster fire in their yard or whatever. Whatever, all those weeds, you know, I'm just and I used to think, okay, I'll just go over, I love them so much, I want to love them well, so I'm going to go and get all those weeds out of their vegetable garden. I'm just going to go in there and pull them all and it's going to be better and it's going to be fine, and then I'm going to head back to my own yard eventually.

Speaker 2: 5:41

So there's two major problems with this. The first problem is that I have left my own yard and I'm not there, and so my own spiritual, emotional growth is not happening. And I've got, you know, things that are not being watered and I've got, you know weather that's happened that big limb from the windstorm has fallen all over, and I've got plants that are not fertilized and I've got issues in my own yard that I'm not tending to. The second thing that goes wrong when I'm not in my own yard and somebody else's yard is that God has a journey, a specific, intentional plan for each one of us, and it's not always going to involve me. So I mean obviously right. So when I jump into someone else's yard, I am getting in the way. It's like God has called that person to this and this and he has this opportunity and he's helping them. See this, and there's actually a plan for those rose bushes that need pruning and the dumpster fire in the corner.

Speaker 1: 6:56

And I might suggest that there might be a third problem with jumping the fence and pulling the weeds, and it might be that the person likes the weeds, but it looks like weeds to us, maybe, or to me, maybe somebody else's sunflowers? I don't know.

Speaker 2: 7:16

That's a good point. Yeah, well, and it's not. I mean so many of us who jump the fence.

Speaker 2: 7:22

Maybe a lot of you listening can understand this there's like this pull, like you just want to help, you want to be in there because you love your friend or your husband or whoever it is, so, so, so much, but we have to respect the journey that they're on with the Lord and that's so, so important. Okay, so some of you might be thinking, well, now what? Now what? I just stay by myself in my own yard. What's going on now? Okay, so the next part is really my favorite part. When we stay in our own yard and we're cultivating and we're growing and we're learning and we're cultivating the relationship with the Lord and with others, emotionally, spiritually, we're in there, we're doing that. There's two things that happen that are so important. The first one is we become an encourager. You know, we're so excited about what's happening in our own yard. We're feeling very safe there. We're feeling like you know we're, we're already filled, and so someone else might need some encouragement and we can do that, we can pour that out because we're already filled. So, being an encourager for someone, you can say things like oh my gosh, you have such a beautiful front yard. I love this part over here and I love the way you did this. You know, you're so creative and I know this part of the yard was difficult, boy, those weeds were impossible to pull, but you really worked on that and that was great. And so you can be an encourager from your own yard and that makes a big difference in someone else's life, a really big difference. The other role that we have that's very healthy emotionally and spiritually is influencer. And so we are someone, then, who can say you know, who can listen and hear someone else's needs. And they're looking at our yard and they're saying, wow, you know what that looks, amazing, I would like to learn how you grew that flower bed. Or why are your vegetables so huge? Like that's amazing. You know things like that. And so you become an influencer, but you're not pushing in to anyone else's yard and if someone comes to you and needs help or encouragement, you're there, you're ready. Of course, nobody's yard is going to be perfect. We're all works in progress. But here's the part that really gets me when I think about this the more I stay in my own spiritual, emotional yard, the more I'm in there with the Lord cultivating and strengthening and growing, the more effective I am as an encourager and the more effective I am as an influencer If I'm never in my yard and it has gone. You know all downhill my ability to influence and my ability to encourage goes down, down, down down. I love that.

Speaker 2: 10:30

So I can give you an example in my own life of my husband and I. So we were high school sweethearts. We've been together for a very, very long time, both dating and married. We've had a family together. We have lived our lives together since we were teenagers. So this was an example of where I thought for many years I thought my husband and I shared a spiritual, emotional front yard. I would be very disappointed when I thought there were areas where he should lead or where he should do this or say this, and I would feel disappointed because I thought we were kind of growing this whole thing together. Well, in a way, certainly we are, we're married and so we're living life together, we're praying together, we're sharing our hearts together, for sure. But what I found was when I stayed in my own emotional, spiritual front yard and cultivated, that our relationship became stronger because I wasn't jumping the fence all the time and trying to fix his stuff. Trying to fix his stuff, so, for example, spending time with the Lord on my own. That's one way that my garden really grows spending time in the word, and then you know what I'm going to say.

Speaker 2: 11:52

Next, the renewing of the mind. That has been huge for me since I really learned how to do it 10 years ago, 10 and a half years ago, renewing my mind with God's thoughts, doing it in a whole variety of ways and doing it all the time, several times a day. When I do that, I see growth in my journey with him. When I do that, I have peace. I have more freedom. Nothing perfect, obviously.

Speaker 2: 12:21

When I'm feeling my feelings and bringing my struggles to the Lord, that's huge for me and I can tell when I don't. I can tell because things start to wilt in my yard and things start to feel amiss and I feel out of sorts and unsettled. Worry comes up, anxiety comes up when I am not doing these things. Another one is gratitude. Gratitude is huge for me. Being able to thank God for this and that and this, even in the midst of the deepest challenges, and then praising him is also huge. Spending time in praise and worship, in music and also just saying out loud what is true about who God is and what he does for people those are huge.

Speaker 2: 13:11

Other ones for me are, you know, encouraging others, spending time with others, praying with others, being in community.

Speaker 2: 13:20

So my husband that's, you know, like I said one example, and I can tell when I start jumping the fence. I can see it in our relationship, because I'm depending on him for things that I should be depending on God for, and I'm depending on him to try to fill me up somehow, when God's the only one that can fill me up spiritually, emotionally, I'm depending on him to be, you know, the one that kind of solves my problems or, you know, listens to every thought that I have, you know, and it's going to God and cultivating my own garden then makes our relationships so much stronger and healthier. And this is something, like I said, that I've struggled with for a long, long time. So I am a work in progress, and so is he. But once in a while he will say to me you know what? I need you to stay in your own yard, because I tend to do that, I tend to jump the fence. He is much better at boundaries that way than I am.

Speaker 1: 14:31

I know that this sort of thing um has played out in my life too. Um, in my first marriage I would get extremely worried when my husband his name's Bob when Bob wasn't spending time in God's word, when he wasn't seeming as joyful about his walk with God, I would get really concerned. And because I was passionate about renewing my mind, I wanted him to be passionate about it too. I was invested in his yard, but I was beautifying it. I was just sure it was beautifying it.

Speaker 1: 15:05

But, that was something God wanted me to trust to God to work through with Bob, and I would worry, of course. Of course that never did any good, or I'd still be married today, probably but anyway, I'd be worried that this means that he's walking away from the Lord, and so that's a classic example of not trusting God, and for me I mean this idea that worry is imagining a future without God in it.

Speaker 1: 15:35

I think that's really powerful for me, and so, because I was worried that God wasn't going to be in his future, I wanted to tell him how to. I don't think I was that naggy or anything, but I wanted him to learn how to renew his mind. I just knew that if he renewed his mind, he would love it and want to do it. That's all messing in his yard and I needed to stay in my own, and so that's one way that I know. In my life I have done that and thankfully I have learned that that well, it never helps. It never helps. I mean, have you seen it be helpful?

Speaker 2: 16:14

No, no. And you, you know, you pour your heart and soul into the other person's yard and you think I'm working so hard, I'm doing so much, I'm loving them so well, but we're really not, because they have their own journey and they have to find their own way with the Lord.

Speaker 1: 16:34

Right, and it also keeps me in a state of agitation because now, instead of just one yard to take care of, I've got at least another yard to take care of in my thinking or maybe 10.

Speaker 1: 16:49

Yeah, exactly. So if I'm trying to deal with my adult kids' lives, my husband's life, all of their gardens, I'm really spinning my wheels. In a way, god's not calling me to. I really believe a lot of the reasons why we're weary why we as Christian women perhaps especially, and men too, get weary is because we spend a lot of our mental energy and bandwidth and our physical bandwidth on things God's not calling us to do, and one of them is being involved in ministries maybe that he hasn't called us to. One of them is being involved in people's lives in a way he hasn't called us to.

Speaker 1: 17:27

We're meddling, We've got to admit we're meddling instead of helping, and I know that the world out there might call this codependency. I don't like to use that word because I think it's a really weird word to call what we're talking about. Oh, dependency, but it's a form of people pleasing. It is a form of control too. I mean, for me, in my first marriage, I wanted to be sure that the weeds could never come back. So I was busy laying out landscaping tarp and all of the things and putting decorative rock over it. It's like, oh, but you like this, right? Isn't this what you want me to do for you, right? No, I was exhausted.

Speaker 2: 18:05

Yeah, I think what you just said is so key. You said you were exhausted and you were running around laying down the what was the landscape? It's like a landscape screening or something, yes, so that you could keep the weeds out. Oh that I think that for me, I'm a very visual, I can see that all in my mind. That makes so much sense to me. But when you said you were exhausted, I thought you know, that's kind of where you can see what's happening. That's kind of the like an indication that something's going on when I'm in a relationship with someone a friend, a family member, you know, family member, a coworker and I'm feeling completely drained and completely exhausted, even though I love them and I'm trying to love them. Well, I need to take a look at that with the Lord, Because I've probably jumped the fence and I'm probably trying to fix everything in their yard, Right, Right.

Speaker 2: 19:07

A truth that is really in the forefront of my mind right now that God has been working with me on, is it is not my job to fix everything. It is not in everyone and you know I mean so many of us, I think, especially as women we feel like it's our job to fix everybody and to fix situations and to run around. You know we all have so many hats that we wear. As far as our roles, we're taking care of everyone so much of the time. I mean men too, of course, but I know a lot of women that struggle with this. It's my job to fix my adult child. It's my job to fix my husband. It's my job to arrange this group so that everybody will get along. It's my job and it's not Right. We don't have the wisdom, we don't have the strength, we don't have the insight, we don't have the big picture. God has all of that.

Speaker 2: 20:06

And he knows what each person needs when it's not my job.

Speaker 1: 20:13

Right. I do think that it's important for us to maybe think about too. There's like this continuum of a controlling person, and there it's all the way from the kind of controlling person that we all like to avoid. I think the low end of this spectrum or the far other end of the spectrum is a kind of a people pleasing. I know people pleasing can be with a beautiful heart and it's not even really people pleasing in that moment when God calls us to do something. But when it becomes about and this is my issue I feel unsafe when things are not predictable.

Speaker 1: 20:54

And so if I can make somebody else happy, then they're predictable, especially true for me with family relationships, because I want to know what's going to happen, so nothing unexpected and I won't have to come up with a clever way of handling something that was unexpected. And so I think a lot of my playing in other people's yards boils down to I want to be sure this is the way it should be so I can feel safe. Well, it sounds nice to say I want them to be happy and I know they will love these impatience along this border here. What is true is they may hate the color that impatience come in and it may drive them crazy.

Speaker 1: 21:41

And so I have to really invite God to show me is there any part of this task or this mentality that I have of wanting to help others along? And it can be a friend, it can be somebody at church, whatever it can be anything like that. Like I love the lady at church who runs the children's ministries. I could be volunteering for everything so she doesn't get stressed out and she would love that. She would love that. But is God calling me to? Because then I'm messing in her garden? What he may be calling her to do is something different than what I'm going to accomplish if I get like you said. In a way, I remember years ago when I was a part of a church. There were two of us who shared the worship leading responsibilities pretty much, and whenever something would happen for the other guy and I'm not even going to say his name because it's a unique name and it would give it away if anybody ever and he was also well-known in the worship leading.

Speaker 1: 22:39

He's no longer on this earth but is with the Lord. Anyway, I felt like, oh my gosh, I have to save the day. Even if there's only five minutes until the evening worship service starts, I better do it. And yeah, that may be nice, but there are times when I wasn't called to do that and I remember when God brought it home to my heart Heidi, you are trying to be his I hate to even mention this because it's embarrassing his Messiah, you're trying to be his savior. And wow, I thought, no, I'm just trying to be really helpful, but I was building resentment for it.

Speaker 1: 23:17

I was being frustrated and exhausted by it. And so God brought me back to a place of being still and asking him what would you have me do in this situation? I want to be available for when I'm needed and when you're calling me. On the other hand, I also know that it may be, since that little church is two hours away from where I live, I can't make it in 10 minutes, you know, or whatever it might be. God has another answer sometimes, and it's not me.

Speaker 2: 23:46

I'm not the answer to their prayers, right, right, and that's another. Another huge truth I think that God has been impressing on my heart is I have many, many ways to get my work done and they don't all involve you, christine, they don't. I know I can give you another huge example that I was thinking of while you were talking and that is the care of my mom. Yeah, okay, so you know I've shared before that we had a 10-year journey with my mom and Alzheimer's disease and it was very, very challenging and I'm so thankful that they lived close and I was able to help a lot with that and be the one to manage her care and all of that. But there were times that I absolutely believed that I was the only one who could fix something, solve a problem, make her happy, calm her down, all of those things. And I think it begins with a servant's heart and it begins with I love that person and I want to help, I want to love them. Well, I do think it begins with that, but over time it's like wait a minute, why am I not asking for help? Like, why am I doing this all by myself? You know what has happened and then, all of a sudden, everything's out of balance. You know I'm not giving my husband attention.

Speaker 2: 25:17

My kids needed attention, my job, you know other things and I certainly wasn't. I don't think I stepped foot in my own yard for months at a time sometimes, you know, because every time my dad called I was running over there and I appreciate that I was able to do that. And I know God called me to be my mom's caregiver and those kinds of things me to be my mom's caregiver and those kinds of things but he didn't call me to do all of it every day. I mean, oh my gosh, when I think of all the times that I ran over there and I could have asked for more help and so I became extremely drained, extremely exhausted. I was also struggling with Lyme disease at the time, and I'm just thinking about my poor body. I mean, I couldn't even see it, but my body was struggling. I was so stressed and exhausted I mean it's no wonder I wasn't healing at all at that time.

Speaker 1: 27:29

And there was someone in your life who was trying really hard to stay in her own yard and not get in yours and strap you to a chair and keep you from doing all of that stuff.

Speaker 2: 27:39

Yeah, I mean, I remember, yes, I know, and many people were concerned about me. I was quite blinded by the whole thing. I thought it has to be me. And yes, I could make my mom smile, I could make her laugh, I could calm her down with just a few words.

Speaker 2: 27:58

I knew exactly how to do it when she was very scared or agitated, or you know, was thinking crazy thoughts and all of that, but there came a time when I had to realize I need help. I need some help with this and it's really okay In fact, more than okay it's going to bless someone else, to help in a way that God has planned that I don't even understand. And I need to get back to my own yard. Everything has fallen over it's, weeds everywhere it's, you know, there's no water. There's nothing new happening there. So for me, that's just such a solid example, when I look back, of needing to stay in my own yard and letting God provide, rather than trying to be the one that fixes everything and does everything.

Speaker 1: 28:57

Yeah, I can relate. My oldest child is 32 and I love him dearly, desperately. He lives just as you know. He lives just about 20 minutes away now, which I love having him so much closer 20 minutes away now, which I love having him so much closer, and it is really an exercise for me constantly not to be messing in his yard constantly. I want to set up a campsite there. I can't stay there.

Speaker 2: 29:29

Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 29:30

Yeah, no, because that's a perfect analogy. Yeah, it's like he needs me, right, I mean it's yeah, he does, he does, but I mean like wait, I want to fix it all.

Speaker 1: 29:44

And if I fix it all I'll just be exhausted. I'm thankful that Michael, my current husband, he really has boundaries, that he wants me, he wants me sticking in my yard. Well, and his too, of course. But I mean, it's important for me to have that accountability because otherwise I'd probably run up the hill where Daniel lives, you know, every time he called and thankfully we've been training him not to call so often 2. Is not a time to call. That's not a time to call but his garden needs handling right now.

Speaker 2: 30:17

Yeah, there was a lightning strike.

Speaker 1: 30:23

So I don't know about you if you still face temptations to get in others' yards, but that's one that's an ongoing temptation for me is him. I so badly I want him to be happy and healthy and whole, and I'm thinking ahead. At the time I'm gone and his dad is gone and what's he going to do? And so I'm like that's worry and I'm planning a future as if God is not in it and is not interested in Daniel's life.

Speaker 1: 30:51

And he is I don't want to live my life rooted in a lie. Even if it looks like I'm a super nice mom, that's not what it's being which you are Well and God has his journey in mind for Daniel. And that's the thing I have to. I have to renew my mind about it, that God's plan for Daniel is different than my plan for Daniel. Yeah, I need to defer to the one who knows more than me.

Speaker 2: 31:20

Well, that just brings up such a good point, heidi, what you just said, because it's like what is behind my need? What's behind my need? Is it to you, know, to be in this other person's yard? Is it fear? No, you know, is it for me? It's usually fear, I think, because you think well, it's not going to go well unless I get in there and help. But, like you said, god loves that person, whoever it is, and has plans and, you know, sees far into their future with them. I mean for me the adult kid thing, nobody told me, me, the adult kid thing.

Speaker 1: 32:05

nobody told me. If you are a mom of little kids, if you are a dad of you know, junior hires or high schoolers. Watch out, the time is coming when there will be gardens that will be overgrown and you will be told back off Jack.

Speaker 2: 32:18

Yes, I mean, the teenager thing is tricky. It's also absolutely wonderful, but it's tricky because they're still kids, yeah, but they're like practicing to be adults, yeah Right.

Speaker 1: 32:33

I know that was. One of the hardest things for me was when my kids would come home from college they had been living as adults for months, sometimes three months, sometimes longer, and then they're back in my home acting like kids again. Yeah, that's tricky. The whole yard thing becomes very blurred. You know where's the boundary line is. Is it now a natural fence with a hedge? It's like, oh my goodness.

Speaker 2: 32:58

Well, yeah, because if you have adult kids living in your home, yeah, that really changes things.

Speaker 1: 33:04

And then, if they're boomerang babies that they left and were gone for a couple of years and then come back, yeah, so I hope this yard conversation is helpful to you because, wow, there are so many nuances to it and really the bottom line is we want to just keep asking God what is your desire for me in this relationship? Do you want me to spend time in that garden? And if so, please show me doing what you know and with the right heart as well.

Speaker 2: 33:32

Well and just, I go back to again and again when I feel confusion over it, when I'm like I don't know what to do with this, like with my adult kid who's you know, going sideways and I could help them move back in the direction they need to go, and it's when I'm confused about that I go to the Lord. But I think about those two roles that he's called me to. He's called me to be an encourager and a loving influencer. When I say influencer, I immediately think of TikTok I kind of want to find a different word but a loving influencer in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 34:10

I think of it as a coach sort of yeah, that's better when my kids are no longer in our home or well, even if they're in our home but they're no longer, you know, are no longer in our home, or well, even if they're in our home but they're no longer. You know, they've been living as adults or something. I feel like being a parent is very different when they were younger than it is now. I feel like I have more of a coaching role and that that's tricky.

Speaker 2: 34:31

I like that better than influencer, you're more of a coach, but definitely that encouragement, and for me that means being quiet a lot.

Speaker 2: 34:41

I can best encourage you if I shut my mouth. Yeah, I mean if I'm a good listener. My middle daughter is in Europe right now and I just FaceTimed her this morning. I did a lot of listening, a lot and asking questions, you know, and just encouraging. And asking questions, you know, and just encouraging and a little tiny bit of coaching, but not very much. I mean mostly I was listening, encouraging, validating. That's where my relationship with her is right now. She's 22, almost 23.

Speaker 2: 35:18

And I love being in that role. I do love it, but sometimes it is hard to be quiet. You know, you want to say, if I could just say this one thing, it's going to help fix it. But no, that's not my role right now with her or with my other two, although one of them is still living in our home. I'm trying to give her a lot of space and I'm trying to let her make her own mistakes. Lot of space. And I'm trying to let her make her own mistakes, not jump in and let her, you know try let her work on her own emotional spiritual yard while I'm in mine Sounds awesome.

Speaker 2: 35:57

So we are so glad that you've been here today and we hope that something that we've shared about the yards and the rocks- and the trees, the things that we've shared today, that something has been helpful for you, yeah, and we would love for you to come back and join us for our next podcast episode of Revelation Within On the go on the go, just gotta roll with it. I'm a big fan, just gotta roll with it. See you later. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.