Welcome And Feeling Undone

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hi, and welcome to our podcast, Revelation Within on the Go. I am Heidi Bliasma Epperson, one of your hosts, and the owner and lead coach of the RevelationWithin.org ministry.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

And I'm Christina Motley, your other host, also a Revelation Within coach, and Heidi's partner in all things Revelation Within. We are so happy to invite you to join us for this episode of Revelation Within. Yay.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Yeah, we are glad you're here today, wherever you are, whether you are driving, folding laundry, sitting quietly, going through the Starbucks drive-thru, or more even feeling as I am a little undone.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

A little undone. Oh my gosh. Yes. Today's episode is for the moments when things feel like they are unraveling. Unraveling. I'm thinking of one of those uh sweaters, you know, that somebody knits, and you you just find that that one string and you you start pulling it and the whole thing is unraveling. Yes. Um, so that's you know, when you're holding it together on the outside, but inside it feels like something, maybe a lot of things are slipping, slipping. Everything is slipping. It's like you can't grab a hold of anything.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

Yeah, yeah. Oh gosh. And if you can identify with that, we want to say you're not alone there. Nope, nope, nope. Um, anybody who is going through that right now, raise your hand. Ooh, ooh, me, me, me. We're both raising our hands. Yes. So you're not alone there. And more than that, you are not unsupported there. You are supported there. We are here to offer you all kinds of support. We do not want to turn to counterfeit comforts in situations like this. We want to get the comfort that lasts, and we know the source of that is our God. So let's start with truth, straight out of his word. Great, great, great. What do you think?

God Holds All Things Together

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Oh, I love it. I love it. Go for it.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Sure. Colossians 1, 17 tells us he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Oh, there it is. Okay, how about this one? Psalm 61, 2. From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

You know, there's something really honest about the phrase, when my heart is faint. The psalmist gives us something right away to identify with. It's not when my heart is strong. Right, right. It's not when my heart is thriving, not when my heart is victorious, but faint when my heart is faint.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

Well, and I think sometimes, you know, we believe if we feel like we're falling apart, something has gone wrong spiritually. It's like, oh no, I feel like I'm falling apart. What's what's going on? You know, where's the Lord? What's happening with my faith?

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like somehow we've stepped outside of his care or something like that. And we know that is a lie. A lie. What if that place, that place where we feel like we are unraveling, like you said a minute ago, is that exact place where his care becomes most visible, most visible, most accessible.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

I mean, what if right, right? Well, because Colossians doesn't say, okay, when you're doing well, things hold together.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

That just sounds so bizarre.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

I know it just it doesn't say that, not at all. It says he holds all things together. So the whole focus is on him, God. He's the one doing the work, he's the one holding things together. Oh, I'm so relieved.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

No kidding, I am as well. You know, there have been seasons, many of them, and some recent ones where I think about some right now ones.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Right now today.

unknown 4:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

Where I thought, I don't think I can keep all of this together. In fact, I got up this morning because of something happening right now. Right now, and I I just had to let myself cry. And I had to, I went out to my husband and I said, I can't do this right now. That's how I felt. That's that's where I was. I wanted to just clock out and do something different with my life, but life is right here saying, I'm here too, God is here too.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Well, and that's such an honest place because the truth is we were never meant to hold it all together on our own.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

We weren't right, right. Um I don't have any Heidi glue.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

I don't have Christina glue.

A Mom Facing A Rare Surgery

SPEAKER_01 5:24

No, yeah, we were never meant to be the glue. Okay, so we want to share with you a little bit of what we're talking about in our own lives right now, and I know that everybody listening to this has something that they they either just came out of or are just going into or smack in the middle of right now, right? Similar to what we're sharing. All right, so my son is 33 years old and single, he's neurodivergent and um very lovable, wonderful man. I have to remember he's not a boy, he's a man, and yet he has been having some trouble for a number of months, and they've gotten worse. The trouble has been with the ability to swallow food or even swallow beverages. So he hasn't been able to stay hydrated or nourished, and it came to a head this past week.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Monday, Tuesday, this week? Is it just this week? Well, today's Friday. Yeah, it's been a 100-year-long week.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Some weeks are like that, they feel like a hundred years, yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

Yes, anyway. So he is now at UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento, which is about two and a half, three hours away from us. And he has, as it turns out, he has a very unusual anomalous congenital um vasculature, his aortic arch, which I mean, this is the biggest blood vessel in your body. Yeah, is on the wrong side of his esophagus and it's pressing against his esophagus. And that's the final answer that I've gotten most recently. Yeah, yesterday. Yeah, they keep changing the plan and changing what they're doing. They've been running tests all this week. Anyway, the surgery is really rare, and there's nobody who's ever done it before.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

I mean, it's just terribly scary. So scary. Yeah. So anyway, trying to process that as his mom and do it when I'm not around him really. I mean, it's hard. I'm trying to hold it together, just like we were talking about. And I feel like in front of my daughter, I feel like I need to hold it together. In front of my husband, I feel like I need to hold it together, and definitely in front of Daniel. But I just flat out want to cry. I wanna, I wanna holler at God and and say wonderful things to him. Like I've been paying all my life for this. No, I'm kidding, of course. But anyway, so I have to recognize the fact that not holding it together, that's okay. Yeah, and and as long as I come up for error in between the snot bubbles, yeah, um, he's there to to guide and direct and give wisdom and peace. And and he is, he is, he really is faithful to do that, but I have to let go of the idea, the lie that I can hold it together, especially for everybody else. That's what kind of that's crazy. Yeah. Um, and we're just coming off of Michael's cancer surgery, and yeah, and my best friend has had triple negative breast cancer and chemo, immunotherapy, surgery, and radiation. Yeah, everybody just needs time. You know, we'll keep calm down alive.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

That's the win right now. That's the win. Oh, Heidi, I'm so sorry this is happening with Daniel. It is just so stressful and scary. It's so stressful and scary.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

God knows what he's doing. He knit Daniel together in my womb.

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

He chose to put his aorta on the wrong side of his esophagus. Yeah, gosh.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

I mean, I didn't even realize they were so close together. I was talking to my husband about it because he's an occupational therapist and he knows anatomy. And he's like, Yeah, they are. They're right next to each other. And he comes kind of explaining it to me, like, wow, Lord, this is this is God size.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

I had to say to Daniel yesterday in the hospital when I was there visiting, it's like, do you realize what a walking miracle you are right now? Yes, yes. Your aorta is on the wrong side of your esophagus, and yet somehow it got connected to all the blood vessels it needed to get connected to for 33 years. It's been going just fine. Right. That's amazing to me.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

So it is amazing. He's a walking miracle.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

He is, he is right now. He is and I'll take that right now.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, you're doing a great job.

unknown 10:14

Thanks.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

How about you? I know you've been walking through it. Are you feeling like you can't hold it together? Are you doing okay with that?

Cancer Treatment And Fear Spirals

SPEAKER_00 10:22

Well, I have my moments. They come and go and go and come and come and go. Um, I just when I think, you know what, I've I've got this. All of a sudden I feel like I'm unraveling again. And that string with a sweater and it's coming apart, and it's like, ah, it doesn't even look like a sweater anymore. Right. Um, yeah. So I'm you're right in the middle of radiation right now. And like you said, I finished the chemo, thank God, and I finished the surgery, thank God, and healed up from that. And so, yeah, I think for me right now, and I'm finishing up immunotherapy too, so I still got a few months of all of this going on. And I think for me, when I let fear kind of take over, that's when I really struggle. And I feel like I'm becoming completely unraveled. Because it's so easy to do that. And the enemy wants us to do that. The enemy wants us to go down the road of of the negative what ifs. Well, what if this happens? Well, what if it what if the cancer comes back? Well, what if this? What if that? What if this? And uh it is scary. It's scary.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

Um and yeah, radiation is really weird to go through because you have these these professionals in the room, you have this big, huge, weird, weird machine. You feel like you're in an outer space, like in a spaceship type thing. And then they say, Okay, you're set up, here we go. And then they run out of the room. Because they don't want to be radiated. Well, no, because it's another form of poison that is, you know, smashing into my body, and and I'm just laying there with my top off. It's just the weirdest thing ever. Anyway, I I'm making light of it right now, but yeah, both of us have been making light of some pretty serious situations. Well, and in some ways that helps us to survive, but it is unsettling. Maybe that's not even the right word. It's just downright scary to think that I am allowing the this radiation poison to hit my body. You can't see it, you can't hear it. It's just this invisible poison, which is it's pretty scary.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Yeah, it is for sure.

Emotional Meltdown Versus Spiritual Collapse

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah, so definitely, but that's just, I mean, gosh, when I think about all the years that Heidi and I have known each other. We have been so slammed in the last 12 years. It's been 12 years. But what you said, Heidi, is so important. You know what? God is sovereign, God is on this, and He's good. And those things together are important. Yes. And as long as we keep telling ourselves the truth, you know, as long as we go back to the source again and again, as long as we keep giving the Lord those big, huge burdens and those fears. Oh my goodness, they're so heavy to carry around. You know, we are we're gonna be okay, we're gonna put one foot in front of the other and walk it out with the Lord and with each other. Heidi and I are best friends, and so we get to walk together every day through all these challenges, which is just so beautiful to me. Um, so let's just name something. Falling apart emotionally does not mean that you're falling apart spiritually. We just want to put that out there right now.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

I know somebody needs to hear that. Falling apart emotionally, you know, melting down, crying, even losing it for some reason does not mean we're falling apart spiritually or losing it spiritually. Sometimes, you know what? Sometimes it can actually mean the opposite. Yes, it can mean that something deeper is being touched on, is being even exposed, so maybe it can be held by him and healed by him and nurtured and grown into something beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Yes.

Four Steps When You Unravel

SPEAKER_01 14:32

So here's a question. Let's do some in a moment practice. Um, so try to walk with us through this, listener. What do we do in the moment when we feel like we're unraveling? Let's let's give a try to walking through this gently. I want you to maybe think of try to place yourself in a situation that you've been in when you felt like you couldn't quote hold it together. Just try to imagine how that felt, what you were thinking, what you were afraid of, uh, if anything, um, and what the big hurdles were. I know it's uncomfortable to feel that. Yeah. But um the first thing we want to do in a situation like that, if you know, and invite God into it, you know, Lord, I welcome you into the sense that I am unraveling, to the sense that I am falling apart everywhere, the seams and everywhere in between. Yeah. First thing is pause, not to fix it, but to notice what's going on, yeah, and to bring it to God, just very intentionally say, Okay, this is you you're holding me together. That's all there is to it.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

Yeah. Um, yes, and and then after we pause, then the second thing that we do is we name it, um, which can be challenging, but once you practice, it actually gets easier to name what's going on. I feel overwhelmed, I feel deep sadness, I feel disappointed, I feel afraid, whatever it is, I feel like I'm slipping.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Yeah. So again, that first thing we can do is pause. Second is name it, and the third of four is anchor in truth. Jesus, you are holding me together right now. Jesus, you are here. You have compassion for me right here, or for whoever you know you're concerned about, maybe. So remind yourself of the truth, anchor in truth.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

Yes, so important. And then the last one is receive, but don't strive, just receive that from the Lord, receive that assurance that he is holding you together. Let yourself be held.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Yeah, and I I guess I want to walk through a little bit of an example when we received the news that um Daniel's CT scan indicated that he had what's called a circumflex aorta, it goes behind the esophagus, and that he possibly has uh other interesting vasculature. Um, if I in that moment I want to say, God, this is way bigger than me. I need you, I need you, and I'm gonna pause here and notice I'm on tilt. I am on tilt, and understandably so, and then I'm gonna name it. I'm gonna say, God, this is so beyond my ability to even comprehend. How how his aorta could go in the wrong direction and still connect everything else? That's amazing. But why it took 33 years for this to show up, I don't get it. Yeah, it scares me. And I feel like, ah, my life is unraveling. My son's life is is kind of in question. What how he is he gonna live a full life or die on the operating table? I mean, yeah, that's where I go. So I've got to tell God that. And then I want to anchor in truth. God, my son is fearfully and wonderfully made. You knit him together, even his aorta, going this way or that instead of the way it is for most humans. Um, and you are holding him together right now, and you're holding me together right now. Yes, you are strength in my weakness. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. So I want to remind myself of what is true. God is bigger than anything I'm facing. And then fourth, I'm gonna receive instead of striving the how how am I gonna navigate this? I could do this and this and this, I could talk to this doctor and that specialist and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, I need to be still and be held and recognize there is nothing that I can do about this situation. It is a God-sized burden, right? And God, I welcome you into it. Help me to navigate the days and weeks and months ahead with you holding onto you. How about you, Christina?

Practicing The Steps After Trauma

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Oh, that was such a great example, Heidi. Thank you for sharing that. Um, I'm thinking back just a few months ago when I was getting ready to start a new kind of chemo, and their the chemo's nickname is Red Devil. Oh my gosh. It was the very first day that I was supposed to receive this, and I had been renewing my mind. I had been praying, I had been going over scriptures about fear. I mean, I thought I was really ready. Um, and I walked into this and I sat down, and really right away things started going wrong. This went wrong, my port didn't work, and then this happened, and this happened, and and then I had more nurses and more nurses come over, and they're all trying to deal with all the problems. And I I was holding it together, holding it together, and then all of a sudden I lost it emotionally. My daughter was there, and my youngest daughter, but oh, it's making me tear up right now. Um, and I just I was afraid. And I had already been afraid. I had already come to this event, you know, being very unsettled and afraid. So for all of this to be added on to it, um, I was being, you know, poked over and over. And I, you know, sit this way, move this way, do this. And we can't get it to work. Well, if we can't get it to work, then this is gonna happen. And again, all the nurses and all the professionals around me and all the attention, oh, it was just awful. And I just I couldn't I could not hold myself together emotionally, not even right now. And that was months ago. And I started to fall apart. So in the moment, I really didn't have the stillness of mind to do these four things, but I was able to do them later, and I was able to practice for the next time. In the moment, I just couldn't stop the tears, and I had all these people around me. It was very kind of chaotic, and eventually things did get worked out. I eventually did get that chemo that day and everything worked out. But then when I was home, I had some time to go through this, these four steps. And I had three weeks until the next infusion because it took that long to for the body to be able to recover. It was so intense. Um, and so I remember practicing this because I knew I had to go back. And I thought every time I thought about going back, I started to cry every single time. And I thought, oh my god. I have to practice this because otherwise I'm gonna walk in the door and start to cry. Not that there's anything wrong with crying, but sometimes we got to get things done, right? You have to move forward. And so the pause, not to fix, just to notice, to pause, and it's like, okay, what am I noticing here? My emotions, some of my deepest fears were triggered by that experience. That was a one-day event. And I just just to say this is what happened and it's over with. And you know, I'm I'm noticing it. And then the second one to name it. Well, I felt totally overwhelmed, completely overwhelmed. And I did feel a lot of fear. And I just I felt like I just wanted to run as fast as I could, just to unhook everything, pull out the plugs on everything, and just run out the door. So that's that's naming it. I was definitely, I was slipping, I was slipped, I was done. I was like, I can't do this. So naming it. And then the third one, anchor in truth. So then what is true, Lord? Lord, you're holding me together right now. You're sovereign, you're good. You're working things out, you've gone before me. All the truths that I can grab a hold of, those are my anchors. I can hold those as tight as I need to. That's right. Have them ready for the next time. And then the last one, receive, don't strive. Well, I could probably make like a checklist of things, or maybe if I did this, or or you know, I could like eat something different the day before, or I could you know what we can go on and on. We can think of so many ways to strive, but instead just to receive, let myself be held, and know that if I get emotional again, it'll be fine. I will not die. So that's the example that comes to mind. And when I did go back, it was hard for me at first. I did have a few moments where I felt like I was slipping, but I had practiced this.

SPEAKER_01 24:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

I actually even asked my husband if I could practice with him because I was just really struggling with this emotionally, and so I practiced a few times with him, and he was very kind and you know, patient and just listened to me go through it. The first couple of times I was just totally in tears, just completely falling apart again. And then it got better and better.

Review The Steps And Final Prayer

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, so just by way of review, listener, you can whether it's you know, like I am trying to do in the midst of what's unfolding right now for me, um, or if it's like after the fact, like Christina has done, the first thing is to pause, not to fix, just to notice, invite God into that. Um, second, name it, name what you're feeling, name what you're afraid of, name what's happening inside of you. And then the best part I like is anchoring in truth, reminding myself of no matter what else is going on, what is true is God is still sovereign, God is still good, and all the other things, and including God is holding us together. He is our glue, he really is. I mean, we may not look held together, but holding us together, he really is, and then seeding and not striving, um, letting ourselves be held by the king of the universe. That sounds like a really good deal to me.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

Yeah, and he really is there, and he really shows up and he really gives us the strength to do what he's called us to, you know. Even if we need a hundred tissues along the way, he is there, he's helping us, and he is steadfast, he really is, he has been so faithful to both of us, you know, through so much. And of course, I don't know all the things before 12 years ago because that's when we met, you and me, Heidi. But when I think about how faithful God has been to both of us and our families, wow, he is, he is faithful, he will be there, he will hold you.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

I'm gonna say a little bit of a prayer for you all and for us. Um, so join us, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Lord Jesus, thank you so much for this time that we've been together. Thank you, Lord, that you are not waiting for us to hold ourselves together. Thank you, God, that you are here even now. And thank you, God, that you are the one who sustains us. We trust you, Lord. We trust you.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

And Lord God, for the one who's listening who feels like they are barely hanging on, would you let them feel that they are actually being held by you? Yes, thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

And we are so glad that you've been here today. So we're so glad. And we hope that you will come back and join us for our next episode of Revelation Within. We'll see you next time.